U-DRIFTR™
TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS
Congrats. You found the part of the site where fun goes to die.
Normal people are already on the water.
This information won’t make you friends or get you laid.
But hey, who are we to judge.
Read on!
SHIT THAT ACTUALLY MATTERS
STOP EMBARRASSING YOUR FAMILY
Stability & Entry
● BRUTAL HONESTY:
■ THE FACTS:
■ USER TIP:
KIDS ARE LITTLE MONSTERS
STRUCTURAL INTEGRITY
● BRUTAL HONESTY:
■ THE FACTS:
■ USER TIP:
Leave the kids home with someone you don’t like very much!
DID YOU PEE IN THE WATER?
The Internal Bladder
● BRUTAL HONESTY:
■ THE FACTS:
■ USER TIP:
Don’t announce that you just pissed in the water. Even though everybody does it, it’s still frowned on.
YOU’RE USING PROTECTION, RIGHT?
UV-Protection
● BRUTAL HONESTY:
■ THE FACTS:
■ USER TIP:
Like your momma said: “Don’t forget the sunscreen!”
BLOWHARD
Rapid Valve System
● BRUTAL HONESTY:
■ THE FACTS:
■ USER TIP:
When paired with our Rechargeable Nano-Inflator, you’ll be on the water in under a minute. No “blowing” necessary.
HOW TO LOOK LIKE A PRO
SIZE MATTERS
T-Rex Arms
● BRUTAL HONESTY:
■ THE FACTS:
■ USER TIP:
Use your feet for minor course corrections and your hands for “get me the hell out of here” maneuvers. It’s called being an athlete. Look it up.
SEEKING ATTENTION
Visibility
● BRUTAL HONESTY:
■ THE FACTS:
■ USER TIP:
High-vis isn’t a force field. Keep your eyes up; the asshole on the jet ski isn’t any better than the ten-minute Captain Dick.
STOP HUGGING YOUR GEAR
Integrated Carry & Control Strap
● BRUTAL HONESTY:
■ THE FACTS:
■ USER TIP:
Use the strap to tether your gear before you launch. Don’t lose your shit.
YOUR BUTT
Let’s Talk About Your Ass
● BRUTAL HONESTY:
■ THE FACTS:
■ USER TIP:
Having your ass in the water gives you a lower center of gravity and much better stability, but remember it also gives you a higher need for deep water. If you’re drifting through the shallows, lift your hips—unless you want a rock to personally introduce itself to your tailbone or worse if its a stick.
STAY CLOSE
Or Not
● BRUTAL HONESTY:
■ THE FACTS:
■ USER TIP:
To form a circle, only connect your front clips and leave the rear ones free. Using both clips is a bit more of a personal nature—unless, of course, you’re unpersonable, in which case you should probably just remove both.
SPECIAL SECTION FOR PEOPLE WITH NO FRIENDS
EMOTIONAL SUPPORT SOCKET
Integrated Beverage Sack
● BRUTAL HONESTY:
■ THE FACTS:
■ USER TIP:
This sack is deep enough to swallow an 18oz tumbler, a cell phone, or a tall boy. It will not, however, hold your dignity—you lost that 3 drinks ago.
ANTI-NOODLE ARCHITECTURE
Ergonomic Support
● BRUTAL HONESTY:
■ THE FACTS:
■ USER TIP:
Being this comfortable in the water does have its downside. You’ll stay in so long your toes will start to shrivel like raisins. Don’t be alarmed; they will return to normal by morning.
LOSS PREVENTION
Brightly Colored Carabiner
● BRUTAL HONESTY:
■ THE FACTS:
■ USER TIP:
Clip your flip-flops to this the second your butt hits the seat. Limping back to the parking lot with one shoe because you “thought they’d stay put” makes you “special”.
ROLL ME ONE
Stuff It
● BRUTAL HONESTY:
■ THE FACTS:
■ USER TIP:
It always fits in the bag. You managed to get it out, didn’t you? Put your weight into it, bleed the air, and roll it like you mean it. If it doesn’t fit, it’s not the bag—it’s you. Try again.
COOL ATTITUDE
The Vibe Check
● BRUTAL HONESTY:
■ THE FACTS:
■ USER TIP:
If you see someone in your fleet starting to talk about “deliverables” or “synergy,” just point at the orange end of their float. If they don’t stop, unclip them. You don’t need that kind of negativity when “DRIFT MODE ON”.
ONE SMART FELLOW
One smart fellow. He felt smart.
Two smart fellows, They felt smart.
Three smart fellows. They all felt smart.
WTH? No, Literally, what the hell does this have to do with a U-DRIFTR™?
Absolutely nothing. But you still read it.
Say that phrase fast! Go ahead. Do it!
Nobody smelt a fart, dumb-dumb. So why did you say that?